In 2007, I was plunged into the world of mental health. Sport has always been an important outlet for me but (regretfully) I had boycotted much of my exercise regime, to focus on school. I was in year 10 and the pressure of school was growing. I omitted sport and exercise in place of study and I found myself gaining some weight. I remember clearly, the day I finally admitted to my mum, "I think I have bulimia". This was the start of my journey - a journey that I didn't realise would take a lifetime to traverse. My family jumped into action! I was (and still am) lucky to have their support. I started seeing a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and anxiety disorder. Somehow, I struggled my way through my final two years of schooling. I completely disregarded my mental health - in fact I disregarded everything, except for school. I studied harder and harder, and I became sicker and sicker. My colleagues were none the wiser. As far as my friends knew, I was the "golden boy". The scars on my wrist could not have been self inflicted! I graduated with a disappointing (according to 17 year old me) 99.2 TER and started my fully funded Engineering degree in 2010. I dropped out after 2 weeks and I spent the year focusing on my mental health. I was in and out of hospital with major depression. But still, I didn't give myself a break. I decided to do a personal training and massage course. Each day, I would walk from hospital into the city to spend the day learning about muscles and exercise. I finished the course (with top marks) and I couldn't understand why I was still sick. I was doing everything right - I was doing hours of therapy, researching mental health, exercising, eating well, taking my medication but it didn't seem to help. This is when I first started experimenting with alcohol.

 

When I wasn't in hospital, I was drinking, and between the two, these two years were a blur of hospital admissions, self-medicating with alcohol, self harm, therapy and electro-convulsive therapy (ECT). ECT is a treatment where the brain is stimulated using a controlled voltage applied through electrodes attached to the head, in order to induce a seizure. This, along with the decision to switch into Sport Science, was a turning point for my health and I found myself in a good mental space for 2-3 years.

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I kept going and eventually was offered a position in Honours doing Biomechanics for 2014. I accepted! I was halfway though Honours when I had another "episode". I was stressed to breaking point by uni and I was crushed by a relationship breakdown that still haunts me every day, but these were nothing compared to the inner turmoil of my mind. I found myself in hospital again. I pushed through. Writing my thesis in hospital when I wasn't attending my therapy sessions. Through some sort of miracle, I completed Honours in 2016 with the top mark (and the $200, which I was stoked about!).

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My constant need to prove myself pushed my to start a PhD. I was offered a few scholarships and I began work. In the first half of 2017 I spoke at my first internal conference, prepared a paper for submission to a biomechanics journal and worked towards my PhD proposal, all whilst training for 4 hours and drinking a bottle of spirits per day. It was not healthy and after a series of unfortunate events whilst overseas, I was already at the tipping point and that was all I needed to break down once more. I found myself in and out of hospital and ready for another course of ECT. I am now diagnosed with bipolar and these diagnoses has really helped me come to terms with my illness and adhere to a consistent medication regime. Bipolar is something that I can never beat but it is something that I can learn to manage and this is the constant struggle that I will face. I am sure it won't be easy but the alternative isn't really an option.